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08-Aug-2020 01:16

I received a formal diagnosis of Asperger’s - or Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1 (ASD) if we’re being fancy - a year ago. Before this, I’d been through three decades of confusing social interactions and struggled to make friends.

Plus, my romantic relationships got shorter and shorter, until I pretty much just gave up.

Coming to terms with my genderfluidity is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. Hell, throw yourself a coming out party if you want to!

Autism is something you’re born with, and it doesn’t go away.

While I’ve been married for three years now, and my wife is amazing with all the Autism stuff, SPD can still cause problems in our physical relationship.

There are days when I crave sex and snuggles, and then there are others where I can’t even bear to be touched. It’s something I genuinely enjoy doing, but the anxiety about the tastes and smells overwhelms me (not that there’s anything unpleasant about my wife’s lady garden, by the way) and I chicken out. That feeling of inadequacy, and my inability to give her everything she deserves, makes me vow to give her oral more often. Penetration is something I am slowly working on becoming comfortable with, but it's not easy.

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I’ve also fallen madly, desperately in love with someone after two weeks.

I was happy giving blow jobs, but the thought of being out of control and vulnerable scared the shit out of me.

Even going to the dentist is a major problem because I’m so afraid to lie down on my back and lose control, so that kind of sex just was never on the cards for me.

I didn’t know what I was doing wrong, just that I was socially awkward, and had a tendency to fixate on my crushes to near-obsession.

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Eventually, I had irrational anxieties about germs and contamination, and could only eat food of certain colours.

Another aspect of my personal life that’s impacted by autism is my gender identity.

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